


Hindsight

by Wix



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Team Dynamics, Gen, Hurt Tony Stark, Not A Fix-It, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Regret And Remorse, Steve Rogers POV, not team Cap friendly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 10:09:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17364002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wix/pseuds/Wix
Summary: It takes Tony no longer being there, for Steve to realize just how much he was.





	Hindsight

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Just a slightly depressing one shot for you all! Because you all know I love my angst. 
> 
> This is dedicated to nemesis729 on tumblr. :-) Hope you enjoy!

It’s funny how fast time moves these days, and how fast something can go from good to bad. That’s the thing that Steve thinks he feels the most – time. Odd for someone so far removed from their own, but it’s the truth. Everything moves so quickly now, the push of a button or a single phone call across state lines, across international lines with no problem and then…then before you can even blink, you’re aware that the rules have changed.

The rules are always changing.

Things were easier once upon a time, and Steve’s still struggling to deal with this ‘brave new world’.

He’s a man out of his own time, not even a perfect representation of his era, and he’s constantly being asked to be the face of this one. While still being the ‘throwback to a better time’.

_“Was it really better?” Tony asked once. Tony was the only one it felt like who asked questions._

_“Well, there’s no more polio.” Steve responded. It’s an old joke, and it’s wearing thin around the edges. Tony smiles at it though, even though it doesn’t reach his eyes._

_But then again, Tony always saw the cracks. Maybe that’s why they never got along. Steve was always so desperate to hide them._

In the aftermath of Peggy, Steve felt like his world was on autopilot. For the first time in a long time, things had been simple. Black and white, do or die, Bucky or Tony.

The choice had been simple. Easy even.

Maybe even too easy.

But he’d just kept moving, an unstoppable force willing to plow through everything.

_Even those he once called friend? No…no he shouldn’t lie. Even those who once called **him** friend…it was never the other way around._

He was used to being both shield and sword, and it was like breathing again to be in a situation where that was all that was needed from him.

The concept of consequences had seemed so far away. Who has time to think about something like that when time is moving so quickly?

_Tony did. Tony always thought about the consequences, and Steve crucified him for it. They all did._

The breakout of the RAFT had felt like his crowning moment. Ross thought he could take a friend ( _not a friend, remember? You were never a friend to him.)_ and turn him against him and then turn around and imprison the rest of Steve’s family? Well Steve showed him. Stole them right out from underneath his nose when he thought he had everything under control.

Steve had been relieved when the plane had finally sat back down in Wakanda, his team getting off the ramp and seeing freedom – or at least a version of it that was significantly better than their previous cells. His step had been lighter, and why wouldn’t it have been? He won. He’d sent off the letter which would repair what could be repaired with Tony, Bucky was safe and getting looked over by Wakandan scientists who hoped to do something for the ex-Winter Soldier’s broken mind and his team was safe beside him.

He’d been relieved.

And then he saw T’Challa.

No, that’s not right, and then he saw the look on T’Challa’s face.

“Captain, we must speak.” And just like that, consequence had come calling.

+++

Pepper’s eyes look dangerously red. More from crying than from any power that she might still have deep in her bones but Steve still finds himself taking a small step back.

_Why is he always losing ground?_

“Ms. Potts.” Steve starts to say but the look that Pepper levels on him makes his tongue stick to the roof of his mouth. It’s probably for the best. What is it that he can say? I’m sorry? I’m sorry that your ex-boyfriend put safeguards in place to make sure that we were always protected? I’m sorry that while he’s gone, we get to come back because Tony was always thinking ahead.

Tony was always thinking ahead. And this time, this time feels slightly wrong to benefit from it.

“How is it that every time you lot fuck up, he’s the one who has to pay for it?” Pepper asks and her voice is tight and _angry_. Oh so angry. “Why is it only ever him?” She shakes her head. “How great it must be to be you Rogers. To never have to lay down on the wire while everyone walks over you.” It’s a throwback to his words to Tony on the helicarrier and it’s like a slap to the face. Steve didn’t even know that Tony had told her about that.

“Pepper…” Steve starts to say but Pepper just stomps up to him, fearless in her rage –

_Tony once thought he was safe too. He thought that Steve wouldn’t lash out. That Steve was the better man._

_He thought that once._

_He doesn’t think that anymore._

“What’s this?” Clint asks, coming up alongside him as Pepper shoves the pages onto his chest and walks away. Steve doesn’t doubt that if she could still breathe fire that he’d be ash right now. “It’s the new Accords.”

“Tony said he’d fix them.” Natasha says, coming up and looking at the pages. “I didn’t realize he’d already done it.”

“No…” Steve says, watching the CEO of Stark Industries get into the car and leave. “No, I didn’t either.”

Spider-Man shows up later that evening and Steve wonders for a moment if he’s going to try to join the Avengers on a permanent basis now. He’s young, that much Steve knows but he’s got heart.

He’s also got a strong right cross when he lays Steve out after Steve smiles and makes the offer. His whole body shaking as he stands over Steve’s body.

“Mr. Stark wouldn’t have wanted me to do that…he would have said to just walk away…” The young boy says, his voice tight with pain, loss and sorrow. “People usually say not to do that. ‘They’re not worth it’ is what you always hear and that sounds stupid.” The young superhero takes a slow step back. “But for the first time in my life, I get it. You’re not worth it. You’re not worth _anything_.”

They don’t see Spider-Man again. He says something about ‘responsibilities’ that he has to take care of and Vision mentions something about how lucky they are that a ‘Keener’ was unable to access the suits yet. The ‘yet’ seems like a future threat.

+++

There’s a giant hole in the Compound’s floor. It’s right in the center of what used to be their common area, the place where they all got together to hang out and watch movies or something.

Now there’s just a giant hole in the floor and the growing feeling of loss.

Vision has moved out of the Compound. According to Natasha he’s moved into Stark Towers to be with Colonel Rhodes during his recovery.

Wanda had asked if he was coming back. He hadn’t answered. Truthfully, Steve doesn’t think he has to.

There’s a giant hole in the common room floor that answers that question for him.

What is there really there to come back to? To a man so out of time that he didn’t stop to think about the future? To a woman who claimed she could only control her own fear when the base level of her abilities is to create it? To a man who should have stayed home and instead needed to feel the glory days one more time when the stagnicity of retirement had set in? To the woman who has flipped sides so many times that Steve’s not even sure that she knows what words like loyalty means anymore, if she ever did?

To a place void and empty of the energy of the closest thing that could be considered a father to him? To the people who made it happen? To the people who aren’t even sorry that it’s happened?

_“You don’t know to miss something until it’s gone.” Tony had said once. What had Steve said in response to that? Was it angry? Was it insulting? Steve can’t remember._

The Compound is quiet. Unnaturally so even with the team trying to instill it with the life that once filled its halls.

There’s something different though, something missing and nothing they do seems to get it back. It’s like that gaping hole is a void just sucking up all their attempts at normalcy and leaving them in silence once more.

Steve never realized how big this place could feel until the emptiness echoes through the silent halls.

_“Hey Captain, my Captain. If you’re feeling boxed in you should try to get out a bit. Do something fun. You do know that word, right? Did they have that concept back in the stone age?” Tony’s eyes had crinkled with amusement as his own joke. He was always laughing at his own comments, he had to after all. It seemed like all of them were determined not to laugh with him on principle._

Steve can’t go out though. The press is having what Tony used to call ‘A field day’ out there and they’re asking and demanding so many questions and T’Challa has been kind enough to step in where Tony’s pre-planned protections are starting to fray.

People are asking questions that Tony never thought he’d have to protect them against. Tony never thought he’d have to put in protections for Captain America leaving him behind.

It’s odd to Steve, looking back at it. Why was it so hard for them to stay inside when Tony asked them to? Why is it so easy to do it now that it’s T’Challa? Isn’t it the same thing being asked for the same reasons to achieve the same end goal? Why was it so chafing then when Tony did it? Why did they all spit in his face when he asked and then blamed him when it all went wrong?

_“Did you know, I was four when I gave my first speech to the press? It’s adorable I’m told…it’s hard to see that when I watch it though. All I see is a little boy who has no idea…who had no idea…” Tony had tried to confess to him one night. Steve hadn’t listened to what he was saying. He hadn’t seen the soft request for empathy and friendship during some kind of internal struggle that Tony wanted to share. Instead all he saw was the tumbler in his hand and the half empty bottle of amber liquid sitting next to it. Steve thinks he yelled. He thinks he called him untrustworthy and a drunk. He thinks he might have compared him to Howard at one point just to get Tony to yell back._

_Is that the only thing Steve ever knew about Tony? What his buttons were?_

They’re not wrong, the video is adorable. It’s clear that Tony’s already been coached on what to say and how to say it, the mark of the showman that he’ll go on to become already starting to shine through. Oddly enough though, Tony looks like he wants nothing more than to get off the stage the second he’s done. He has the same trapped look in his eyes that Steve remembers feeling in the early days on tour when they just wouldn’t leave him alone and kept pushing and pushing and taking and taking.

It’s absolutely tragic to see that on a four-year old’s face.

It’s even more tragic the moment when Steve realizes that Tony never lost it.

+++

Lately, Steve’s been thinking about that ‘Little Guy from Brooklyn’.

He wonders if he’d recognize Steve if he saw him now.

He wonders if he’d stand with him.

Or if he’d stand against.

+++

The first time the Avengers get called out, is to fight some superpowered group of teenagers who are wrecking half of downtown. It’s during the fight that Steve feels the disconnect. It takes him a while to notice what it is. Normally the coms are filled with Tony’s talking and his jokes and his laughter.

_“Cut the chatter Iron Man.”_

_“Talking’s one of my superpowers Cap.” Tony replied easily and it had grated on Steve’s nerves. Why though? Steve’s not sure why._

T’Challa is a powerhouse in and of himself, but he’s no Iron Man and he’s no War Machine. It’s obvious to notice that they’re not at their best and the fight takes up more time than it should and does more damage than Steve could ever hope to pay for.

_“Do you know how much goes into repairing a city block when we just decide to flippantly go out there and ‘Avenge’ when we really don’t need to? Who do you think has to end up covering for all of that? Do you think it just magically restores itself once the good guys win the fight?” Tony had argued one time. Steve hadn’t been listening. None of them had been, or maybe they were just listening to the wrong thing._

_“Always about money with you isn’t it Stark?” Clint had thrown back at him and Steve thinks he smiled at that. Like it was a joke._

_It wasn’t. He sees that now._

“This isn’t the way you should be handling your powers.” Steve tries to say to them, to level with them when they’ve finally exhausted themselves and they’re able to take them down. The derision that he gets from them almost feels like a punch and it steals the breath from his lungs.

“I don’t need no fucking terrorist hopped up on steroids telling me what to do.” One of the kids say and Steve’s silent in the face of all of that vitriol that they’re throwing his way as they’re carted off.

He was just doing what he thought was right. Wasn’t that worth anything these days?

He sneaks into Tony’s hospital room and he asks him that same question.

The steady beep of the heart monitor seems to be an answer all on its own.

+++

“Steve, we’re worried about you man.” Sam says later, flanked by the remaining members of the Avengers. Their faces all seem to agree with what Sam’s saying and Steve doesn’t know what to say to put them at ease.

“I think I’m just tired.” Steve says and he thinks of how many times Tony said that same phrase. Tony was always tired, why didn’t they ever do something like this for him? Why didn’t they ever offer to help _him_?

“Are you sure that’s it?” Nat asks, looking at him and Steve barely holds back the question on his tongue that he wants to ask her. Now isn’t the time.

_“Deflect.” Was Tony’s advice one of the times that he’d offered up assistance when Steve hadn’t asked, but that he probably needed. “The easiest way to throw someone off the trail and to deflect is to give them a different truth. Something that will fit into their personal world view of what’s going on or what’s up.”_

_“Maybe not all of us like living a lie Tony.” Steve had thrown back at him and back then he thought Tony’s answering smile was mocking…now he thinks it might have just been sad._

_“No one does Cap.”_

“Yeah. I just need rest. T’Challa just told me that Bucky’s going back into cryo. They can’t…they don’t know what to do about it.” The deflection works like a charm and he sees it go through all of them causing them to relax. It’s an answer they can buy. Steve’s stressed because Bucky’s not where Steve wants him to be.

They don’t even bother trying to look deeper.

How many times had Tony done that to them?

How many times had they let him?

+++

“Hey Nat, can I ask you a question?” Steve asks and the redhaired spy glances at him. “Why did SHIELD pick you?”

“Pick me for what?”

“To do the report on Tony?” Steve asks and Nat pauses for a second.

“It’s what I do.” She says eventually. “That and I have a nice set of legs.”

“That was it? That was the reason why?”

“Why does it matter?” Nat asks and Steve takes a moment to look at the glass in his hands. He’s not sure why it matters, it just does.

“I don’t know.” He admits. “I’m just…you came up with ‘not recommended’ for Tony but not for Iron Man. They’re the same person.”

“I know.”

“So why was one recommended and the other wasn’t?”

“They’re the same person Steve.” Nat points out to him even though Steve’s just gotten done pointing it out to her. “They were always recommended, but Tony needed a push and I got sent in to shove.”

“Do you stand behind what you wrote?” Steve asks, thinking about that report that he glanced over, disgust rising in him with each line written.

“In what way?” Nat asks. “In a ‘was it a successful mission’ sort of way? Then yes. I do.”

“What about in the ‘Tony’ way?” Steve asks and she gives him a careful look, like she’s trying to read him and read what’s going on in his mind. “Do you stand by what you said about Tony?”

“Somedays.” Nat says finally. “Somedays I would. Other days I wouldn’t. Tony’s a man like everyone else and he does his best. Sometimes it works out for him, sometimes it doesn’t. That’s just how it works for everyone though. He’s not special in that way.” She looks at Steve. “We’ve all done things that we’re not proud of, that we wish we could do again but that the world will never let us forget. We’ve all got our own version of red in our ledgers. The difference between the rest of us and Tony though? We’re allowed to try and wipe it out. No one will ever let him forget his though. No one will ever let him even try, but for some reason he still does.” She shrugs. “So somedays I stand beside it. Other days…other days I don’t.”

Steve’s not sure if he feels better or worse when she leaves him with that.

+++

_“It’s obvious!” Tony was yelling, his hands up in the air and his face as animated as Steve had ever seen him. Rhodes just shook his head and seemed to be fighting back a smile. “Han clearly has the Force!” Tony turned to him. “Steve! Steve, just the man we need. A completely unbiased third party. I need you to watch something for us and weigh in on this question.” He holds up an actual DVD boxset instead of just projecting the film from some digital storage location._

_“I think we all have more important things to be doing than watching movies Tony.” Steve had scolded him._

_“You can’t be on all the time Cap. You need to be off sometimes.” Tony had tried to tell him and Steve had just walked away._

_“Some of us take our responsibilities a little more seriously than that.” He’d thrown over his shoulder. Always ready to have the last word over the fast-talking billionaire._

Steve sits down and watches the films and he has to admit, he rather enjoys them. He looks around the area at the other members all sleeping and he wonders if he might have enjoyed them more if Tony had been present. He catches onto some of the quotes that he’s heard Tony throw out and inwardly he cringes. He’s pretty sure that he thought once upon a time that it was just Tony being a dick, now he knows he was just quoting a movie.

Who was the real dick then?

+++

_“Are you more of a waffles or pancakes sort of man?” Tony asked, flipping off a few new stacks onto a plate. “I’ve never asked.”_

_“I’m more of a ‘let’s not waste food’ sort of guy.” Steve threw back out and Tony did what he always did – he turned away so that Steve couldn’t see his face. Steve used to think he had just ignored him, now he thinks he did it to hide the hurt._

“Did you want waffles or pancakes?” Steve asks Wanda as she sits at the table. She’s picking at the polish that’s cracking on her nails and she shakes her head.

“I’m not hungry.”

“When’s the last time you ate?” Steve asks, coming over and taking the seat next to her. “Wanda, you have to take care of yourself. I know that Vision isn’t…I know that things are difficult right now between you two but-”

“It’s not Vision.” Wanda cuts him off.

“It’s not?”

“No.”

“Then…can I ask? What’s wrong?” Steve questions and she takes a second before she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a crumpled wad of paper and shoves it over to him. Steve takes it slowly and unravels it. “What is it?” Steve asks as he does and Wanda looks down at her nails again.

“It’s my citizenship.” She says. “Somehow Stark got it pushed through so that I wouldn’t be deported.” She shakes her head. “I didn’t even know that they were _trying_ to deport me.”

_“They don’t give citizenships to weapons of mass destruction.” Tony had said before the strain took over. “Give me a break!” Steve had thought that he knew everything. He’s realizing that he didn’t even start to scratch the surface._

“Oh…”

“It was waiting on my bed.” Wanda says. “Like it was supposed to be a welcome home gift.” She shakes her head. “There were even college applications and a note saying that I could pick any I wanted. That it would be taken care of.”

“…Yeah.” Steve says softly. “I think he mentioned something once about you saying how you wanted to go to college. I didn’t know that he’d done something about it.”

“I hate him so much.” Wanda snaps, and Steve looks at her.

“Why?”

“Because he makes it so hard to hate him.” Is the answer he gets, and he couldn’t agree more.

+++

_“You know, with a few tweaks and some data I could make you a few of those that don’t break like tissue paper when you really hit it.” Tony had offered, motioning to the growing pile of broken punching bags._

_“I’m fine with what I have.” Steve had said, ignoring the brunet and hoping that he’d get the point to leave him alone._

_“It wouldn’t be any trouble.” Tony had pressed and Steve just pushed on like he hadn’t heard him._

_It took him three weeks to finally crack and use the new ones that Tony created afterwards. Steve’s not even sure why it took him so long. Pride? Ego? Why? Steve wishes he knew the answer. Or at least he wishes that he knew an answer that wasn’t ‘Because it was Tony’._

+++

They don’t ever let him rest.

That’s the understanding that Steve gets when he starts to dig. The video of his conference right after his parent’s death? Did he even have an hour to process it? The video conference after Afghanistan where they got him right off the plane. He looks stressed and tired and no one cares. They want the information on their time and Tony knows that well.

The conference right after Stane’s death? The infamous ‘I am Iron Man’. Steve’s watched it before and all he saw was the height of arrogance. Now he sees something else. Now he sees how no one said anything about Stane. How his old business partner was allowed to gracefully fade into the background while Tony took all the blows for a dead man.

When they got him coming out after the Expo? When they got him coming out of Happy’s hospital room? Steve had been disgusted with Tony’s arrogance….

What arrogance? That’s pain. That’s rage. That’s fear and hurt.

It’s the same emotions that Tony showed him before Steve put him down.

_“Do you even feel anything? You’re just a machine. It all has to be about the ‘Great Tony Stark’, it can’t be about anything else!” Steve had snarled at Tony and now he realizes how off base he was._

_God how off base he’s been._

_How off base they’ve all been._

+++

Steve doesn’t sleep well anymore. He can’t help but have nightmares about a certain brunet who hasn’t woken up since the last time they crossed paths. No, not nightmares. Memories. Memories that keep popping up of what their true actions towards the billionaire have been.

_“I know guys with none of that worth ten of you…You may not be a threat but you better stop pretending to be a hero.” The pain in Tony’s eyes that he tried to mask and that Steve ignored._

_“Use your words.” Tony had said as Thor picked him up off the ground and just held him there. Steve didn’t move. None of them did. They just stood by, why didn’t they put a stop to it? Was it really all that surprising then when Tony gave them a look that was so closed off afterwards? Was it really surprising that he left after Ultron was gone? They lied to themselves and said it was the guilt he should have felt for having a hand in that travesty…now Steve thinks Tony deflected again. It was never about Ultron. It was always about the Avengers._

_“Did you know? Don’t lie to me Rogers, did you know?” Steve says ‘Yes’ over and over again in his dreams until it sounds less like the line in the sand it was when he said it the first time and more like the apology it should have been._

+++

The news blast it over the airways the second that Tony wakes up. Steve watches from the Compound’s television set as reporters try to sneak a glance at the newly awoken billionaire and how they harass and question every single person they find in the meantime.

“Ms. Potts! Ms. Potts! Will Mr. Stark be returning to the Avengers?” A reporter asks, shoving a microphone in Pepper’s face as she walks to the front doors. Happy does his best to keep them back but they’re crowding like piranha’s at dinner time.

Steve hopes the answer is yes.

He prays the answer is yes.

Tony shows up at the Compound not even an hour later to collect a few important things,  and they’re all waiting for him, for a chance to talk to him. There’s a sort of angry emotion rushing through Clint that Steve’s never fully figured out and Wanda looks like she’s not sure how she’s going to respond when she sees him. Nat’s face is as blank as ever until he comes around the corner flanked by Pepper, Happy and Vision then suddenly it’s all kinds of concerned. Sam just looks distraught that he still hasn’t seen Rhodes.

“Tony.” Steve says and Tony just looks at him and for the first time…Steve sees the nothing that he’s always accused Tony of being towards them and just like that, all the words and all the speeches and all the pre-planned ways that Steve was supposed to act go out the window and he stumbles over his own tongue.

“Let’s go Tony.” Pepper says softly, her arm available to the brunet who takes it and lets them start to help him back to the car that Steve’s guessing is waiting out front.

“Tony…I’m sorry.” Steve says and Tony seems to freeze at those words for a second.

Then he just keeps walking.

And he never turns back.

**Author's Note:**

> Please no comments of a negative or critiquing nature. Thank you for your understanding.


End file.
